I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
