We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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