Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
