My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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