He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
