your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm really into asian looking animals
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
