I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
