I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
