Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
