Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize