you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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