you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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