I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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