two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
