I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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