I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
