So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
