I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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