I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
