had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
