I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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