READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
