I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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