This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
