Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
