Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
