I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
