There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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