She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
