It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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