I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
