I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
