Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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