Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
