Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
