if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
