I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
