I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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