theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
