you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
