false alarm. still invincible.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
