she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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