New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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