I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He felt like a one man threesome
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
