Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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