Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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