life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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