I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
