She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
