I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
