I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
