She said her name was "party"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
