I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize