I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
