she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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